


Your State of Mind Parallels the State of Your Stomach

by charmingStrangeness



Series: Sakamoto Week 2017 [5]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Introspection, learning to let go, sakamoto week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 23:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11279082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmingStrangeness/pseuds/charmingStrangeness
Summary: In which Tatsuma lets go of the past, and moves forward.Written forSakamoto Week 2017Day 5 - Favorite Outfit





	Your State of Mind Parallels the State of Your Stomach

**Author's Note:**

> mild emetephobia warning for a non-graphic depiction of vomiting, just in case
> 
> hey can you guys believe i wrote seven fics for this week? because i sure can't

A familiar knot ties itself around Tatsuma’s stomach, and he instinctively clenches his jaw. 

It’s stupid to be feeling queasy when he’s standing on firm ground, and even though he knows full well it’s not motion sickness, he berates himself for it anyways, because it’s also stupid to be so nervous right now. Cause y’know, it’s not like he’s spent _literal years_ dreaming of the day he’ll finally leave for space or anything. It’s not like he actually went so far as to entertain the thought of deserting an army when he himself was a general in said army. It’s not like he’s been brimming with excitement for the past few weeks ever since he acquired a fleet that meant he could finally fulfill his dreams. Tatsuma's last day on Earth has _only_ been a _major fantasy_ for as long as he can remember, after all.

So why then, _why,_ do his legs feel like jello? Why is his heart screaming at him to turn tail and _run,_ run as far away as possible from the dock where his ships and his vice-captain and his crew are currently waiting? Tatsuma wants to punch himself in the face; this is his last day on Earth and he’s spending it manically roaming the streets of Edo instead of making last-minute checks on his fleet or chasing girls in hostess bars or doing literally anything else besides acting like a high-strung 15-year-old who was just dared by the school bully to ask out the hottest girl in his grade.

If only _they_ were here to calm him down. A sharp pang shoots through Tatsuma’s chest at the thought – he still doesn’t know what happened while he was away from the front lines; all he can be certain of is that there’s no going back to how things used to be. It’s been months since he last saw Gintoki, and even longer since he’s seen Zura or Shinsuke; he’s had months to come to terms with it, months to let go. And yet here he is, hoping he’ll turn the next corner only to bump into a familiar face or three, and they’ll smack him upside the head and tell him off for getting so nervous when he’s right on the cusp of fulfilling his dream and drag him off to the nearest bar so they can send him off with a drink (or even agree to leave the Earth alongside him).

There’s nobody when he rounds the corner, though – only the unfamiliar faces of passing strangers, and lifeless shop windows lining the streets. Tatsuma’s stomach lurches. He really ought to punch himself in the face, or in the balls even, for daring to hope that he might see their faces again. It’s his last day on Earth and he’s spending it trapped in a cycle of nostalgia instead of looking forward to the future. 

Maybe it’s because in all his fantasies, his last day on Earth had always been a celebration. As a child, he’d picture his family seeing him off, and then in the war it became his comrades. But life didn’t pan out the way he’d expected, the way he’d _wanted_ – with no one to see him off, with no clue where his comrades are in the world in this moment, leaving Earth doesn’t feel like the beginning of some grand adventure; it just feels like running away.

Tatsuma kicks at a stone in the street. What would they say, if they could see him now – lost in the past and petrified by terror? 

(He knows the answer – _pathetic._ )

And never mind his comrades, what about his crew? Guilt burns in Tatsuma’s veins; he has a whole team of people looking out for him, people he’s supposed to be looking out for in return, and here is, unable to spare them a single thought?

( _Pathetic, pathetic,_ pathetic.)

Unable to hold back any longer, Tatsuma stumbles off to the side of the street and, bracing himself against a wall, empties his stomach onto the ground. After his guts stop doing somersaults, he stands frozen in place and panting for a minute or so before unceremoniously dragging the back of his hand across his mouth and looking up. There are a few bystanders looking at him in disgust, and a smile quirks unbidden at Tatsuma’s lips. He’s used to getting those kinds of stares, and they always make him want to laugh. _It’s just some puke, no need to glare like I’ve committed a murder or something._ Doing something so natural to human behaviour really shouldn’t garner so much negative attention, and the fact that it does has always struck Tatsuma as rather comical.

A beat passes, and then he really does burst out laughing (which earns him a few more strange looks) – here he is, preaching (internally, but still preaching nonetheless) about letting people do what comes naturally, well, isn’t fear a fairly natural emotion? Isn’t missing your friends something everyone does? Tatsuma isn't pathetic for feeling nervous or nostalgic – what’s pathetic is beating himself up for it!

Feeling significantly more calm, Tatsuma finally bothers to take stock of his surroundings. His chosen location for his nervousness-induced vomiting session seems to be just outside some kind of clothing store; there’s a family of headless mannequins in the window all showing off some the latest trends. A smile spreads across his face; soon, he’ll be the one polishing his pebbles for display and setting the latest trends out in space. 

One of the mannequins is wearing a long red jacket, and the next thing Tatsuma knows he’s inside the shop searching for a price tag on it. He hadn’t intended to buy anything today, but it would be nice to have some kind of memento from Earth to bring along with him.

_(Something to mark a new beginning.)_

He doesn’t have enough money on him, but that’s never mattered to a trader like him. As if something so trifling as monetary cost could ever stop Sakamoto Tatsuma from getting what he wants.

Later, as the fleet departs Earth, Mutsu will make an offhand comment about his new jacket – a backhanded compliment, a dry “you don’t look as scruffy as usual”, and Tatsuma will laugh, because of _course_ he won’t look like the scruffy rebel he used to be. The future is out there, waiting for him, and he’ll embrace it without looking back, wrapped in his stylish new red coat.

**Author's Note:**

> as per usual, any lingering thoughts or questions can be left here in the comments or over on tumblr @ [charmingstrangeness](http://charmingstrangeness.tumblr.com/)
> 
> that's five down, only two to go... come by tomorrow for Day 6!


End file.
